Some might call this the athlete grieving process. I call it bitterness.

They say that athletes go through a grieving process in the face of injuries or things that sideline them from racing for extensive periods of time. Initially, I did not have this feeling. At the time I got injured, I was so burnt out from being a bike racer all the time, through work and training, that I didn't miss it at all. Watching races didn't give me that ache in my heart, that oh how I would die to be out there feeling. I didn't really miss it at all until August.

Now that the season is over and I am finally crawling my way back from the depths of hell, I am feeling that sting. I am feeling bitter. Bitter about the way things turned out. Bitter for not paying closer to attention and standing up for myself when I knew I was right. Just straight up bitter.

I am in a much better place right now. I am healthy, riding, running, and swimming. I am getting strong again. I have more clients, 2 new part time jobs, and some other ongoing projects. I can still be a bike racer and help other people become bike racers, but I don't have to be just a bike racer. Things are looking up, but I am still bitter. Bitter about what was lost, bitter about how I was going so good and I blew it.

I think that this bitterness is a good sign, though. My competitive spirit has been rekindled, and bitterness is part of the process as I claw my way back to the peloton. It should have happened months ago.

As everyone else takes a break, I am trying to reassemble the pieces. I am plotting my new plan of attack to ensure that this does not happen again. I am certain that this bitterness will soon turn into pure motivation. And hopefully speed.