Around and Around

I've been injured many times, but never quite like this. This one cuts and nags and pierces (metaphorically). I don't mean to be whiny; I am just contemplating my options.

I was doing better, but last week I took about 20 steps backwards, and I'm back to the beginning. Pain at rest, pain while riding, pain while standing. It isn't terrible, in fact, it's not bad at all, but I've been down this road too many times, and any pain is not good.

The question is: what is next? I was only riding 3-4 days per week, no more than 6 hours total at mostly endurance watts. What would happen if I tried to race? Or train so I can get to the level where I can race? If I get over this, will it just be something else? It's been a constant battle for me in my whole athletic history. Build it up. It breaks back down. All along, my body has been saying no no no but my determined brain says yes yes yes. Maybe it is time for that brain to focus on something else. I need to find a balance, but I don't know how. I'm either unmotivated, or I want to be a top level pro. There has never been an in-between for me.

I preach this everyday, that health trumps everything. It's above competition, the bike, everything. Maybe it's time I listen to what I tell others. I think it needs more time. Lots of time.

Some might call this the athlete grieving process. I call it bitterness.

They say that athletes go through a grieving process in the face of injuries or things that sideline them from racing for extensive periods of time. Initially, I did not have this feeling. At the time I got injured, I was so burnt out from being a bike racer all the time, through work and training, that I didn't miss it at all. Watching races didn't give me that ache in my heart, that oh how I would die to be out there feeling. I didn't really miss it at all until August.

Now that the season is over and I am finally crawling my way back from the depths of hell, I am feeling that sting. I am feeling bitter. Bitter about the way things turned out. Bitter for not paying closer to attention and standing up for myself when I knew I was right. Just straight up bitter.

I am in a much better place right now. I am healthy, riding, running, and swimming. I am getting strong again. I have more clients, 2 new part time jobs, and some other ongoing projects. I can still be a bike racer and help other people become bike racers, but I don't have to be just a bike racer. Things are looking up, but I am still bitter. Bitter about what was lost, bitter about how I was going so good and I blew it.

I think that this bitterness is a good sign, though. My competitive spirit has been rekindled, and bitterness is part of the process as I claw my way back to the peloton. It should have happened months ago.

As everyone else takes a break, I am trying to reassemble the pieces. I am plotting my new plan of attack to ensure that this does not happen again. I am certain that this bitterness will soon turn into pure motivation. And hopefully speed.

Personal Training Interviews are like Video Games

First, there is the certification process. Let's call this level 1. Here, you have to pay a bunch of money to take a test that confirms all you have learned in college. If you take the better test, the CSCS one, it is like getting a cheat code and it makes the rest of the process a lot easier.

Level 2 is the initial interview. Here they ask you really basic questions like what would you do if your client has high blood pressure? or what kind of program would you prescribe for a 40 year old woman? Pretty simple. I said level 1 had a cheat because it is really easy to get an interview if you have the CSCS and a degree in the field and a small amount of experience.

Level 3 is preparing for the second interview. Oh, surprise! We didn't mention this at the first one, but yep, there is a second. You said you knew how to take blood pressure and do body fat testing, so we will have you do that plus an hour personal training session. Since you haven't done this stuff in 3 years, you worry and write some notes down from your textbook hoping the SWAG equation works (scientific wild ass guess).

Level 4 is the moments prior to the interview where you scramble around the facility trying to figure out where everything is.

Level 5 is the initial consultation. Here you may do a few things wrong like do the body fat testing before the blood pressure. You are relieved when your knowledge doesn't fail you and you successfully complete the tasks. You also ask a lot of questions.

Level 6 is the actual training session. Here you wonder if they will throw tricks at you like make the person fall down or get hurt. Luckily, they don't do this, and you progress through the level without too much difficulty except that the actual program doesn't take as long as you thought it would so you spend some time stretching at the end.

Level 7 is the feedback. The person who observed you says what you did right and what you did wrong.

If you did it right, they might say something like "we want to bring you on board" and you feel like you have reached the end of a video game which cues the happy music starts and the 1 minute montage of the video game character grabbing the golden key on top of the castle.

Changing Changes

I guess it has been awhile since I have last updated.

Here is the skinny:

-The injury saga continues. Last week, my physical therapy session involved a conference call with my other PT. The good news is that we are making progress. I am learning how to walk again and also learning how to pedal, focusing on using my glutes and not my poor adductor. I am also doing a lot of strange exercises that force me to active things in the right order. This is annoying because I want to do big heavy weights where it feels like I am making progress, but instead I practice simple things like rotating on my hip, extending my knee without moving my hip, and contracting my glutes and hamstrings in the right order. I think it is working, though. I have a new plan to start running and swimming again to maintain balance.

I am learning all sorts of things about stabilizers. Now I will be the coach who tells everyone to think about stabilizing before moving, probably to the point where it is annoying. Additionally, I am constantly frustrated by how David, my old coach, has passed away. Every time something doesn't make sense, and especially every time it does make sense, I am left wanting to tell him about it but not being able to. Come back!

-On another note, I have a new job. I no longer work at HSP, but I am now coaching solo. I have also returned to my marketing roots part time, doing marketing for this architecture/engineering firm that does reserve studies for condos. Basically, they are long, complicated reports that outline how much money needs to be saved to make repairs. It is not the most exciting subject matter I have ever worked with, but it kind of markets itself because they are required by law and it is nice to be somewhat intellectually challenged again. I have replaced floor mopping with marketing plan writing. Plus I am still coaching and doing this animation side project thing. Lots going on!

-Also still waiting to hear on grad school. I am thinking I want to focus on more of a human factors/industrial engineering route with this program. It is very flexible, and I like human-centered design concept and the perspective that the program will bring, but I do not want to be a web designer. When in doubt, go the engineering route.

Options within Options

I am getting much closer to figuring out this grad school thing.  

I found a program at UW, Human Centered Design and Engineering, that is exactly what I want to do.  It is multi-disciplinary so I could take courses in computer science and school of information.  I can combine my background to do usability testing/interface design in a health-related field.  or maybe not.  Maybe in any field.

Anyway, I found out that not only is this exactly what I want to do, but I can apply to start in the winter.  There is also an evening option, which is funded differently so I don't have to worry about getting residency (which I don't have).  I can save lots of $$ and start school SOON if all goes according to plan. :)

I got an MRI today, so I am waiting to find out what is wrong with my hip.  I think it is a tear of some form, but we will see on Thursday.  I came really close to passing out when they injected the dye.

This has been a busy week.  Erin's mom and step dad were in town for a wedding, so we were busy doing the family/wedding thing.  Erin's step dad is from Seattle, and his family all lives out here (they are a big family!).  They have been our sort of adopted family since we moved here.  It was a big, Greek orthodox wedding; an interesting mesh of cultures since the bride (Erin's step cousin) is Irish/Catholic.   In the mean time, Erin's step-uncle has been battling pancreatic cancer for the last 2.5 years.  He is going through a rough patch, and Erin is with his family in Portland now visiting him in the ICU.   There are a lot of unknowns at this point, but there is still hope.  My thoughts are with him.

It is very moving to be near their family at a time like this.  So many different kinds of love, with the weddings and the sickness.   It really puts life in perspective, and it makes me want to move closer to home one of these days.

A Dress for a Wedding

Finding a dress to wear to a wedding is very complicated.

You can't wear white, and you can't wear black because you don't want to look morbid.  You can't wear a bright solid color because you don't want to look like a bridesmaid (what if it turned out to be the same color?!).  It can't be too short or too skimpy because you will feel awkward in the church (even more so than someone like me normally would).  It can't be too long because it is hot and you don't want to look frumpy.

Thus, it took me approx 4 hours to find a dress to wear to this wedding.  I am still not even sure if it is appropriate.

Keep Pushing

It's been awhile since I've updated.  My class is very time consuming.  I've spent long hours in the studio already, and we are only about 3 weeks in.

I am learning a lot, and it is weird to do something that I am not very good at.  I struggle with making models because I am not very precise, and I have difficulty cutting straight lines.  This is why my 2nd grade teacher thought I was retarded.

I'm not sure that architecture is the real path that I want to take, but I am getting closer to where I want to be.  I know that I want to be on the design spectrum on some level, somewhere between engineer and artist, but I'm finding that architecture is a little too far on the artist side.  I'm now looking into other things like human-centered design/engineering, which I think would be a great fit for me.  I will still give architecture a chance.  It has been good to explore and be humbled.

On the injury front, not much progress has been made.  Still no formal diagnosis.  I am feeling better at rest, but things start to hurt again when I start moving.  

I find myself constantly pushing in every aspect of my life.  Pushing to figure out what I want.  Pushing to get back on my bike.  In the mean time, it feels like life is changing and moving on without me.  If I were a psychic, I would sense a coup d'etat in the near future.  I am anxious to see what happens, a little scared, but mostly excited because change would be fantastic.