The Smell of Early Season Racing

Today I rode my bike for the first time in almost 2 months. I was scared that if it went beyond 2 months, I would not ever touch it again, so I went down into the basement and hopped on the bike for about 12 minutes.

The garage smelled like early season racing. It must have been a combination of rain, grease, rubber, and chamois cream. It's such a powerful smell, full of excitement and speculation about who will be fast and how the season will go. I experienced a weird mix of emotions as a result of this. Excited about what is to come, scared about how the recovery will go/if it will work, angry because the bike is what got me here in the first place, and sad to miss out on the early season or maybe even the whole season. And it reminded me how much I freaking miss riding my bike really, really hard. Using the bike as a rehab tool is incredibly taunting.

I think I may have to switch chamois cream as I embark on this recovery because Sportique brings back too many haunting memories of last year. I didn't even use any, but the smell is just so potent that it lingers in the garage. Interesting, since I just finished reading Jitterbug Perfume. Maybe Sportique is my beet pollen!

Anyway, riding a bike is hard when you can't twist your hip or flex it past 90 degrees. Getting on the bike and unclipping is difficult.

Overall, I think I am getting slightly better. It is still slow, up and down. No one ever articulated what "twisting" means, and it didn't occur to me until a few days ago that I was twisting more than I should have been. I seem to be improving now that I've stopped twisting.

The World Premier: Kelly: Fall From Grace

I know you have all been waiting for a long time. Well, here it is, the E! True Hollywood Story - Kelly: Fall From Grace. A documentary about the tragic 2009 bike racing season.

Getting Better

Each day is a little bit better. Yesterday, I made it outside and drove all by myself. I figured I would practice since I am going back to work on Monday.

This whole experience has taught me a lot about how I can better interact with other people. I am learning what I would want in a difficult situation, and going forward, I want to make sure that I provide these things for other people. It isn't asking a lot. For example, I hardly know my co-workers at my marketing job, but they all sent me a get well card, signed by everyone. It only took a minute, but it meant a lot to me. I find it odd that more people can't do simple things like this.

People often define themselves by what they do, and they are placed in different boxes accordingly, such as engineer, artist, cyclist, triathlete, etc. I've never felt like I truly fit in any of these boxes. I'm at a point right now where the boxes in which I was placed have been taken away from me, and I am questioning if I even want to get them back. The coldness that I have felt from other people has made me question this even further. Other people probably don't realize how much I am struggling with this whole situation because they are busy, but the things that people say, the light promises they make, turn into great disappointments when they don't follow through with them. I know that most of it is not personal, but it does not have to be this way. In the future, I want to make sure that I am aware of others and how my actions affect them. And I want to truly make an effort, even if it is just a small gesture, to help others when they are in need. Because, really, it makes a big difference. And I will remember those who made an effort.

p.s. I always look at the analytics for the blog and try to figure out who is reading it based on the map overlay, but I often can't figure out who I know in a particular state. It is a fun game to play, though. Lots of WA readers!

p.p.s. E! just called and they want to make a documentary about my fall from grace in the cycling world. Should air soon. Stay posted. (animation in progress)

Hard Day

Today has been a hard day. I'm in a bit more pain than yesterday. Not terrible, but more. I think this is just how it goes with this surgery, up and down.

It was also freezing in our house when I woke up. Seattle has been hit by cold weather recently, and I woke up to discover that it was 59 degrees in my house. I turned on our little space heater, put on 2 blankets, a hoodie, a vest, and a coat, but I was still freezing.

Finally I called my landlord. Turned out I had to go into the basement and reset the furnace. The issue with this is that a bunch of bikes are hung up in front of the furnace, so I had to move them in order to access the re-set button. I am not supposed to lift anything, but I managed by putting my weight on the crutches and my other foot. Luckily I only had to move one bike to a different hook. Then I was able to push the bikes aside and open the furnace door just enough to reach the reset button. After a few minutes of silence, the furnace kicked on and it is now a toasty 65.

All of this is very tiring with crutches. I hate to admit it when I need help, but today it would have been really nice. In general, I'm starting to realize that many of these relationships that I've tried to build over the past year don't transcend the context from which they were constructed (bike racing). My interests and goals have changed significantly as a result of this injury, and I'd imagine that drifting away from the bike community is natural as I transition into graduate school and a real career path. It still makes me sort of sad, though.

Post Op!

Well, I made it to the other side. First of all, thank you everyone for all the well wishes!

I had surgery on Friday, and it went well. They gave me a spinal so I watched the whole thing on the monitor. Normally, watching surgery on my own body part would really freak me out, but with all the drugs, I was pretty dissociated from it. We also had a lot of fun, and we laughed a whole bunch throughout the whole thing.

He found 2 tears, but I don't have specific details on them yet. He also did a little bit of bone reshaping but only a few millimeters. Now it is 3 days after the surgery and I am feeling pretty good! Still moving slowly, but I am off the narcotics (thankfully since they made me dizzy) and I got outside a little bit yesterday. I am not in too much pain, but I still have to be really patient with the recovery. I can't twist my hip for ~6 weeks, which is the most difficult part. Putting on socks is also hard.

My mom came out for the weekend and we stayed at the Four Seasons. I know this sounds really snooty, but it was actually a really great idea because my house is incredibly difficult to navigate. I think this decision sped up my recovery because I didn't have to navigate stairs or narrow hallways. We had fun playing board games and watching movies.

The novelty of crutches still hasn't worn off for me, so I enjoy hobbling around on them and hearing the click click click everywhere I go. My biggest complaint at this point is my sore neck from laying in bed for too long.

Here is a picture from the fire pit/pool area at the hotel. Not so bad!

la la la la

I am registering for classes, since I'm going back to school in January, and it is intimidating. I had to look up some terms in the course descriptions, and then I had to look up terms in the definitions. Yikes! What am I getting into? Should be challenging at least.

I am excited to start something new. I'm getting sick of the same ol' junk - bikes, training, 3 random jobs, la la la. I've been entertaining thoughts of dusting off the sewing machine again. I may try to make some stockings for our fireplace. I will have a lot of free time since I'm getting hip surgery on Friday. Eek! Just looking forward to being on the other side of this operation.

I've been home in Cleveland since Tuesday. It has been a nice relaxing visit. Thanksgiving was uneventful. Only one person cried, but it was just a partial cry, and only one person choked, but it was only about a 6/10 on a choke scale. Pretty good for our family! We also went to the Cleveland Art Museum, which was really nice. It is only half open now, but it's such a good art museum. I don't like those headsets that people walk around with, though. Do you really have to turn the volume up all the way so everyone in the room can hear it? I'd like to read the descriptions, thanks!

I miss Cleveland sometimes. I feel like people in the midwest are more humble, and I don't think many Seattle people realize how good they have it.

I'm excited that it is Christmas time. I love Christmas time, and I get to make Erin watch all three of the Santa Clause movies with me! I never get sick of them. Isn't he lucky?

More Thoughts

As I'm getting further into Born to Run and researching barefoot running in general, it seems like people are missing a key point.  This isn't a new concept, and people are missing the bridge between barefoot running and shoe running: progressive overload.  

I don't think it has anything to do with shoes, really.  Well, no, what I mean is that you can run differently with the shoes you have.  People have talked for a long time about the Pose method of running, and while that is still somewhat controversial, I think we can agree that running on your toes/midfoot is much closer to barefoot running than a heel strike gait.  And that focusing on "falling" with your feet under your center of gravity is more efficient than throwing yourself forward.   I guess I can't speak for the world, but I know I got a heck of a lot faster and more efficient when I changed the way I ran.  Anyone who's looked at ground reaction force data knows that a heel strike creates a significant impact peak and that if you run on the midfoot, this peak is reduced.  It's gotta be absorbed somewhere else, but it seems to me that absorbing the impact by bending the knees, ankles, and hips is a better alternative than sending it shooting through the leg.  

It's interesting reading this debate because you read about the barefoot runners who swear by it and then you read about the old school heel strikers who think it's a bunch of baloney and say everyone gets hurt (yes, I said baloney).  They are ignoring the key concept of training: progressive overload.  You can't just go out and run 10 miles barefoot after you've been running in motion control shoes your whole life.  Similarly, you can't just go out and run on your toes for 10 miles.  You have to do it gradually.  It's like the people who got out of the World War II concentration camps and died because they ate too much.  Same concept, but no one talks about it.  

I hear you saying, "but Kelly, you get injured all the time.  How can you say that running on your toes is better?"  I think most of my issues come from weak hip flexors.  I've strained them so many times I lost count, and when you run on your toes, your hip flexors become essentially a spring.   Plus I think that a midfoot strike is the ideal compromise.  I am curious to experiment more with this whole concept, that if I strengthen my hip flexors and gradually start running again, maybe I can do it pain free.  It feels so far away, though, with hip surgery and all.  Oh how I want to go running.

A Thought

I thought for awhile that bike racing was a thing of the past, that it was time to move on from being an athlete.  But when I overhear people talking about threshold watts and specific races, it really tugs at my competitive ropes.  I'm just not sure that I can give it all up yet.  

I have been reading Born to Run, and this really struck me:  

"There are two goddesses in your heart.  The Goddess of Wisdom and the Goddess of Wealth.  Everyone thinks they need to get wealth first, and wisdom will come.  So they concern themselves with chasing money.  But they have it backwards.  You have to give your heart to the Goddess of Wisdom, give her all your love and attention, and the Goddess of Wealth will become jealous and follow you.  Ask nothing from your running, in other words, and you will get more than you ever imagined."  And then it proceeds to talk about how the secret to running success is love - running because you love it.  

First of all, this book is dangerous for me to read right now because it really makes me want to go running.  I miss running, but that is another story.  Last year I spent a lot of time worrying about watts and numbers and placings, and it's becoming clear to me that this mindset is all wrong.  Unfortunately, it is an easy trap to fall into when everyone around you is blabbing about numbers and training programs.  When I look back to 2008, I did really well on not much training at all, probably because I was just having fun with it and going wherever it took me.   I've made this mistake a number of times before - the more I focus on a sport, the worse I do, but it's always been tricky for me to balance these thoughts and motivations.

As the date of my hip surgery approaches (Dec 4th! Eek!), I'm contemplating more and more how I will get back on the bike and in what direction.  Maybe I don't have to think about it.  Maybe I should just ride because I like to, when I want to, and leave it at that.  Maybe it's time to turn off the powertap and just tune into how I feel.  I know I will be fast again (this is obviously a relative term), but does it really matter how high my threshold power is?  Does that really mean anything anyway?  

Some days are good, some days are bad

Today is good, but for some reason, I tend to only write on the bad days.

Today I am looking into creating an LLC because my little coaching business keeps growing. Sometimes I wonder why people ask me to coach them. I guess I am used to undermining my experience and talent, but if I were to guess, these are the reasons why they ask: I am nice, I listen, I am honest, and people get faster. I have a degree in the field, I worked in a biomechanics lab for 3 years, and I have several certifications here and there, but that doesn't automatically get you business.

I don't know everything, and I'm not the most experienced bike racer, nor do I claim to be, but I also don't think that athletes should get all their information from one person. It is important to create a team of support to gather knowledge and to grow in the sport. They really emphasize this at the Olympic Training Center. That is why you have teammates, physical therapists, sports psychologists, and all other sorts of informed people.

Surgery is scheduled for Dec 4th. I am ready to move forward and see how I can change my relationship with bike racing. I've had my time trying to be the best, and maybe that isn't meant to be, but I will still be involved with the sport in trying to help others. That is exciting.

On another note, please, please practice your balance exercises! It is scary what I see at the gym. In another post, I will add more specifics about what you can do. It is pretty cool to see how quickly people can improve their balance.

Big Step

Generally, when I am confronted about the things that I write in blogs, I retract my statements and apologize.  I am finally learning to stand up for myself and stand by what I think and feel.  I choose my words very carefully, but I have always had trouble with how I am perceived, and when called out on it, I tend to play the victim.  Not this time!  This is a huge step for me, and I feel so relieved.  

This is MY struggle, through MY hip surgery, and I am allowed to feel angry, sad, and scared.  I am allowed to replay the events of the past and come to terms with what has happened.   It is a process, and once it is complete, these feelings will be gone, but for now, it is real, and it is something I face every single day.   

I do not blame anyone for what has happened, but there are still thoughts and experiences that I have to work through to answer why this happened and how to prevent it from happening again.  

I am just a broken athlete trying to pick up the pieces.

A Diagnosis

Well, I finally got a diagnosis for my hip.  It is indeed a labral tear.  Because the conservative treatment (physical therapy, loads of ibuprofen, rest) did not help, surgery appears to be the only way to fix it.

I haven't completely made a decision on this yet.  The surgery is risky because sometimes it doesn't work and sometimes people are worse after.  The doctor said there is an 85% success rate.  I'd like to hope that youth is on my side, and I can't find anything negative about this particular doctor, but I am scared.  At this point, it seems like my options are to either quit being an active person indefinitely or get surgery.  I guess I can't really get too much worse; now I have trouble with basic things like walking and sitting at work, and activities like swimming and cycling seem like a dream.  If it isn't successful, it's unlikely that I'll be worse off. 

I have the feeling that whether or not it is successful, my days as a highly competitive athlete are numbered, if not up.  I base this thought mostly off of the number of injuries I've had in the past, but this one really trumps them all, and this time it really feels like my time is up.  I really screwed up this time by following bad advice and training too much despite knowing better.  I'm trying not to blame myself or others for this, but it is a slow process.  I still may be able to race occasionally, but not like before and probably not at a super high level, mostly because I don't want to do this to myself again.  I don't want a walker when I'm 60.   I just want to be able to go on a hike or maybe go for a swim.  Maybe it will be good for me to focus on something other than winning and performance, such as helping others win.  

The other option is to pull the plug on being an athlete now and see how my hip responds.  But I did pull the plug on competition in May, and it has since gotten worse during my attempt to just be a normal, active person.  I feel like I am up a proverbial creek.  

Reflections on the last 1.5 years

Now that I have some semblance of a future, I am starting to reflect on the recent past.  I couldn't have imagined all the things that happened to me since graduating from Michigan, and it has been an enlightening experience.  I've learned to make smart decisions about my future.  I've learned that I never want to apply for a job through craigslist again.  I am so glad that I did not go straight to graduate school because these experiences provided me with a truly unique perspective that I would not have otherwise:

-The Startup.  It took awhile for the bitterness to wear off, but finally, about 3 months after the layoff, I began looking back at this experience fondly.  I know I will be back at a startup someday, as I really miss working at a place that came home with me every night.  I miss the gritty, risky, get-your-hands-dirty nature.  I miss being a part of something and feeling truly committed to what I am doing.

-The Layoff.  I always thought I would be exempt from these things.  I am smart, well-educated, had outstanding grades, and I work really hard.  But so do a lot of people.  And in many cases, that doesn't matter.  A lot of getting laid off is pure bad luck, and this taught me to make smarter decisions about my career path and to be understanding of other people's situations.  Learn a skill.   Shed a tear for the state of Michigan.

-The Pro Bike Racer Thing.  I chuckled re-reading my personal statement: "After my layoff, I spent the rest of the year attempting to become a professional bicycle racer."  In this chapter, I justified mopping floors and being broke in the name of bike racing.  What I didn't realize at the beginning, though, was that I would really miss being challenged.   I also learned some really sad things about human character.  It was shocking to see how quickly people gave up on me after my injury.  That is ok, though, because it forced me to not give up on myself.  

-The Work 4 Jobs and Go It Alone Thing.  This last chunk has also been interesting.   I'm learning that I am talented, that I can be a good coach, and that I am qualified to do marketing and personal training.  I can build a small coaching business on my own, and I can do better than I did at an established company.  I can't let other people shatter my confidence and hold me back from reaching my potential.  I can be many things and still be good at them.   I became a coach because it is something that I love to do, and it doesn't have to be more than that.  I am a better coach/personal trainer if it is a hobby, not a full-time profession, because I am not limited by finances.  I can lower rates, access more clients, and truly help people, which is why I do it. 

This has all been a lesson in accepting things that I cannot control.  I am trying to accept these experiences for what they were without dwelling on the negative aspects of them.  Now that I have defined things to look forward to, this is much easier.

Back to School!

I received an acceptance letter today for U of Washington's program in Human Centered Design and Engineering. I am starting in January, and I am excited.

Although there is great potential for this to change, the plan is to incorporate the HCDE concepts (usability, interface design, human factors, etc) with my background in movement science to improve interfaces in healthcare and healthy living. This, in my opinion, is a very exciting application of the field for a few reasons:

1. Persuasive Technologies. If websites, mobile devices and interfaces are going to motivate people to be healthy, they have to be really persuasive. So far, I haven't really found a single interface relating to coaching that is persuasive and enjoyable to interact with. I've tried Training Peaks, Workout Log, and everything in between, but all of them are missing that persuasive factor, or the ability to engage users. Thus, I have to bug people constantly to update training peaks.

2. Culturally Sensitive Care. This applies mostly to healthcare. Definitions of sickness and health are very different across cultures (Read The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down). Misunderstanding these differences can be very destructive to a patient's care, which is why it's important that any healthcare interface that the patient may see is sensitive to these factors. This applies to design of the office, how sensitive materials are presented, and explanations of disease (you know, those handouts they give you on what your injury or sickness is). The HCDE program is really focused on the user, and this is especially important here.

Don't even get me started on the terrible interfaces I deal with on a daily basis, such as everything made by Powertap.

I need to do more thinking to figure out exactly what direction I want to go with this. The program is broad, so I have to narrow my focus on something. Usability, instructional design, interface design, and human factors are the most interesting to me.

Erin is on a military boat with my dad until tomorrow night with no way to contact him. It is weird finding out this news when I can't tell him or celebrate with him.

In other news, my hip still hurts and I am still waiting to see the doctor.

To be a fish at the zoo

This must be what it is like to be a fish in a tank at the zoo. All those signs that say "do not tap the glass!" but the little kids just keep tapping away with their snotty fingers. Tap tap tap.

I am home sick with the flu, but due to an unfortunate scheduling conflict, I got sick the same day that the painters are scraping away at the windows. They are preparing to paint them. Our side of the duplex is small, and you can't really get away from the windows. There are 3 people scraping on the windows, on different sides of the building. Tap tap scrape scrape I feel surounded.

Poor fishy. Never tap on that glass.

Around and Around

I've been injured many times, but never quite like this. This one cuts and nags and pierces (metaphorically). I don't mean to be whiny; I am just contemplating my options.

I was doing better, but last week I took about 20 steps backwards, and I'm back to the beginning. Pain at rest, pain while riding, pain while standing. It isn't terrible, in fact, it's not bad at all, but I've been down this road too many times, and any pain is not good.

The question is: what is next? I was only riding 3-4 days per week, no more than 6 hours total at mostly endurance watts. What would happen if I tried to race? Or train so I can get to the level where I can race? If I get over this, will it just be something else? It's been a constant battle for me in my whole athletic history. Build it up. It breaks back down. All along, my body has been saying no no no but my determined brain says yes yes yes. Maybe it is time for that brain to focus on something else. I need to find a balance, but I don't know how. I'm either unmotivated, or I want to be a top level pro. There has never been an in-between for me.

I preach this everyday, that health trumps everything. It's above competition, the bike, everything. Maybe it's time I listen to what I tell others. I think it needs more time. Lots of time.

Some might call this the athlete grieving process. I call it bitterness.

They say that athletes go through a grieving process in the face of injuries or things that sideline them from racing for extensive periods of time. Initially, I did not have this feeling. At the time I got injured, I was so burnt out from being a bike racer all the time, through work and training, that I didn't miss it at all. Watching races didn't give me that ache in my heart, that oh how I would die to be out there feeling. I didn't really miss it at all until August.

Now that the season is over and I am finally crawling my way back from the depths of hell, I am feeling that sting. I am feeling bitter. Bitter about the way things turned out. Bitter for not paying closer to attention and standing up for myself when I knew I was right. Just straight up bitter.

I am in a much better place right now. I am healthy, riding, running, and swimming. I am getting strong again. I have more clients, 2 new part time jobs, and some other ongoing projects. I can still be a bike racer and help other people become bike racers, but I don't have to be just a bike racer. Things are looking up, but I am still bitter. Bitter about what was lost, bitter about how I was going so good and I blew it.

I think that this bitterness is a good sign, though. My competitive spirit has been rekindled, and bitterness is part of the process as I claw my way back to the peloton. It should have happened months ago.

As everyone else takes a break, I am trying to reassemble the pieces. I am plotting my new plan of attack to ensure that this does not happen again. I am certain that this bitterness will soon turn into pure motivation. And hopefully speed.

Personal Training Interviews are like Video Games

First, there is the certification process. Let's call this level 1. Here, you have to pay a bunch of money to take a test that confirms all you have learned in college. If you take the better test, the CSCS one, it is like getting a cheat code and it makes the rest of the process a lot easier.

Level 2 is the initial interview. Here they ask you really basic questions like what would you do if your client has high blood pressure? or what kind of program would you prescribe for a 40 year old woman? Pretty simple. I said level 1 had a cheat because it is really easy to get an interview if you have the CSCS and a degree in the field and a small amount of experience.

Level 3 is preparing for the second interview. Oh, surprise! We didn't mention this at the first one, but yep, there is a second. You said you knew how to take blood pressure and do body fat testing, so we will have you do that plus an hour personal training session. Since you haven't done this stuff in 3 years, you worry and write some notes down from your textbook hoping the SWAG equation works (scientific wild ass guess).

Level 4 is the moments prior to the interview where you scramble around the facility trying to figure out where everything is.

Level 5 is the initial consultation. Here you may do a few things wrong like do the body fat testing before the blood pressure. You are relieved when your knowledge doesn't fail you and you successfully complete the tasks. You also ask a lot of questions.

Level 6 is the actual training session. Here you wonder if they will throw tricks at you like make the person fall down or get hurt. Luckily, they don't do this, and you progress through the level without too much difficulty except that the actual program doesn't take as long as you thought it would so you spend some time stretching at the end.

Level 7 is the feedback. The person who observed you says what you did right and what you did wrong.

If you did it right, they might say something like "we want to bring you on board" and you feel like you have reached the end of a video game which cues the happy music starts and the 1 minute montage of the video game character grabbing the golden key on top of the castle.

Changing Changes

I guess it has been awhile since I have last updated.

Here is the skinny:

-The injury saga continues. Last week, my physical therapy session involved a conference call with my other PT. The good news is that we are making progress. I am learning how to walk again and also learning how to pedal, focusing on using my glutes and not my poor adductor. I am also doing a lot of strange exercises that force me to active things in the right order. This is annoying because I want to do big heavy weights where it feels like I am making progress, but instead I practice simple things like rotating on my hip, extending my knee without moving my hip, and contracting my glutes and hamstrings in the right order. I think it is working, though. I have a new plan to start running and swimming again to maintain balance.

I am learning all sorts of things about stabilizers. Now I will be the coach who tells everyone to think about stabilizing before moving, probably to the point where it is annoying. Additionally, I am constantly frustrated by how David, my old coach, has passed away. Every time something doesn't make sense, and especially every time it does make sense, I am left wanting to tell him about it but not being able to. Come back!

-On another note, I have a new job. I no longer work at HSP, but I am now coaching solo. I have also returned to my marketing roots part time, doing marketing for this architecture/engineering firm that does reserve studies for condos. Basically, they are long, complicated reports that outline how much money needs to be saved to make repairs. It is not the most exciting subject matter I have ever worked with, but it kind of markets itself because they are required by law and it is nice to be somewhat intellectually challenged again. I have replaced floor mopping with marketing plan writing. Plus I am still coaching and doing this animation side project thing. Lots going on!

-Also still waiting to hear on grad school. I am thinking I want to focus on more of a human factors/industrial engineering route with this program. It is very flexible, and I like human-centered design concept and the perspective that the program will bring, but I do not want to be a web designer. When in doubt, go the engineering route.

Options within Options

I am getting much closer to figuring out this grad school thing.  

I found a program at UW, Human Centered Design and Engineering, that is exactly what I want to do.  It is multi-disciplinary so I could take courses in computer science and school of information.  I can combine my background to do usability testing/interface design in a health-related field.  or maybe not.  Maybe in any field.

Anyway, I found out that not only is this exactly what I want to do, but I can apply to start in the winter.  There is also an evening option, which is funded differently so I don't have to worry about getting residency (which I don't have).  I can save lots of $$ and start school SOON if all goes according to plan. :)

I got an MRI today, so I am waiting to find out what is wrong with my hip.  I think it is a tear of some form, but we will see on Thursday.  I came really close to passing out when they injected the dye.

This has been a busy week.  Erin's mom and step dad were in town for a wedding, so we were busy doing the family/wedding thing.  Erin's step dad is from Seattle, and his family all lives out here (they are a big family!).  They have been our sort of adopted family since we moved here.  It was a big, Greek orthodox wedding; an interesting mesh of cultures since the bride (Erin's step cousin) is Irish/Catholic.   In the mean time, Erin's step-uncle has been battling pancreatic cancer for the last 2.5 years.  He is going through a rough patch, and Erin is with his family in Portland now visiting him in the ICU.   There are a lot of unknowns at this point, but there is still hope.  My thoughts are with him.

It is very moving to be near their family at a time like this.  So many different kinds of love, with the weddings and the sickness.   It really puts life in perspective, and it makes me want to move closer to home one of these days.

A Dress for a Wedding

Finding a dress to wear to a wedding is very complicated.

You can't wear white, and you can't wear black because you don't want to look morbid.  You can't wear a bright solid color because you don't want to look like a bridesmaid (what if it turned out to be the same color?!).  It can't be too short or too skimpy because you will feel awkward in the church (even more so than someone like me normally would).  It can't be too long because it is hot and you don't want to look frumpy.

Thus, it took me approx 4 hours to find a dress to wear to this wedding.  I am still not even sure if it is appropriate.

Keep Pushing

It's been awhile since I've updated.  My class is very time consuming.  I've spent long hours in the studio already, and we are only about 3 weeks in.

I am learning a lot, and it is weird to do something that I am not very good at.  I struggle with making models because I am not very precise, and I have difficulty cutting straight lines.  This is why my 2nd grade teacher thought I was retarded.

I'm not sure that architecture is the real path that I want to take, but I am getting closer to where I want to be.  I know that I want to be on the design spectrum on some level, somewhere between engineer and artist, but I'm finding that architecture is a little too far on the artist side.  I'm now looking into other things like human-centered design/engineering, which I think would be a great fit for me.  I will still give architecture a chance.  It has been good to explore and be humbled.

On the injury front, not much progress has been made.  Still no formal diagnosis.  I am feeling better at rest, but things start to hurt again when I start moving.  

I find myself constantly pushing in every aspect of my life.  Pushing to figure out what I want.  Pushing to get back on my bike.  In the mean time, it feels like life is changing and moving on without me.  If I were a psychic, I would sense a coup d'etat in the near future.  I am anxious to see what happens, a little scared, but mostly excited because change would be fantastic.    

Back to School, but it ain't Michigan

Today was my first day of school.  I am taking an architecture class at UW.  It is so much fun!

We played with paper most of the time, experimenting with ways to make structures without glue or tape.  I was feeling a lot of pressure at first because this class is pretty competitive and many people are trying to get into the grad program.  

Then I remembered: I am a frickin Wolverine and I am good at math.  Even if my art skills aren't quite up to par with an art major because I didn't major in art, I have more analytical skills than all these kids.  And my art skills aren't that bad.  AND I got into architecture school twice already, so there's no reason I can't get in a 3rd time.  

I was feeling nostalgic towards Michigan today.  I went to the UW bookstore, and they didn't make me leave my backpack at the entrance.  How odd.  That must be the Michigan Difference that all those commercials speak of.   There have been a few instances that made me think Michigan > Washington, but of course, I am slightly biased.

Wavering

I have been wavering in and out of disappointment lately.  

I have a few new things on my plate to keep me occupied.  I am taking an intro to architecture class this summer, as that is something I have always had interests in and I keep returning to it as a career path.  I'm also working on a little animation project which is proving to be quite time consuming.  

I am still bummed, though.  Bummed to be missing out on the races, to be sitting at home while everyone else is out there killing it.  It isn't so bad because I am keeping busy, but it's hard not to look at this as a catastrophic failure.   I'm also not really feeling better.  I rode literally around the block this week, and that hurt.  The doctor's visit gave me no answers except that I need to do more physical therapy.

I'm not sure what my cycling future will entail.  I may go back to training the way I did during collegiate season last year.  This would provide a more balanced life, but I will have to reevaluate my goals.  It is hard to let go of the dream, but I have to be realistic or find a different way to make it work.  

Life is OK without Bikes

This weekend was nice.  On Friday we went to the velodrome to watch my teammates kick some serious booty on the track.  That was fun to watch and live vicariously through them.

Yesterday Erin and I went to U Village to go shopping, but I couldn't find anything to buy.  I am getting picky with my increasing cheapness.  Then we went to Greenlake to put our feet in the water/sand, but the beach has steps, which is a little anti-climactic.  Finally we went downtown and saw the Hangover, which was pretty funny.

Today I spent most of the day playing with my new colored pencils and making a stuffed octopus for the summer solstice parade.  He is almost done!   He is stuffed with plastic bags and fabric scraps.

My fingers continue to go numb pretty frequently.  It was better today because I didn't move very much, but yesterday just walking around made everything hurt a lot.  Looking forward to the doctor on Tuesday.   I thought about trying to ride my bike today, but I really just didn't feel like it.  

Quite a week!

This has been quite the week.  

On Tuesday I met with a bioengineering advisor at UW about some options there.  Upon more reflection, I'm not sure that heads down engineering would be the right fit for me.

On Wednesday I went to Lynden to explore a potential marketing side-project to eat up some of my seemingly endless free time.  Wednesday night I helped make sea critters for the Fremont parade.  It is part of the anti-plastic bag campaign, so there will be plastic bag monsters eating the pretty sea critters.  I'm now trying to figure out how to make a stuffed octopus.  Also feeling bad about frequently forgetting my reusable bag when I go to the grocery store.

Yesterday I was a supermodel at REI.  Not really, but I modeled some clothes at a buyers meeting at the REI headquarters.  That would be a cool place to work!  Lots of interesting things going on.

So in thinking more about my future, I'm back to this architecture thing.  I wanted to be an architect when I was a little kid.  My dream was to build a round house with a spiral staircase going up the middle.  I wasn't sure that this was the right direction for me, so I didn't go to U of Cincinnati for undergrad (#1 in the country at that time)  and I didn't use my preferred admission to Michigan's program.  Now here I am 5 years later thinking "damn, shoulda done that."  But shoulda woulda coulda, I had to explore my options.  

I am lucky in this sense, which Erin pointed out to me yesterday.  Most people are very limited in what they can do because they are either math/science people or humanities people.  I have never been one of those people, so it's been very difficult to narrow down my options.  While I often drag myself in the wrong direction because of this, it's a good problem to have.  Having a world of opportunity isn't such a bad thing.

On another note, I'm realizing that people misunderstand me for a number of reasons.  Erin politely pointed these out too.  I am often quiet and I have trouble jumping in conversations.  When I do jump in, it's often a sort of random non sequitur, and people are left thinking "that was weird."  I am also not very forthcoming with information, partly because I feel like I have to talk really fast and to the point to get people to listen.  Also partly because I don't think people really care and I'm not incredibly proud/comfortable with what I am doing at the moment.   This often makes me come off as a know-it-all.   This is all magnified around certain personality types.

Erin says that in the context of my family, I make sense.  Unfortunately, not everyone knows my family.   

Limbo

Life has been in a state of limbo lately.

Still no bike riding, but that is ok. It is a little sad to see my hard work go down the drain, but it's been good to get some time away from the bike to think about what I really want to do with my life. I do not want to be a full time bike racer. It is too unfulfilling.

I realized that I really miss math and science and biomechanics. I was already on that path before, but I had to wander away a bit to understand how important it really is to me. Now I know.

I'm exploring some very exciting opportunities, but I'm fearful that I won't be able to balance everything.

Meanwhile, the pinched nerve in my neck has returned and my hand is going numb.

Ode to Hamstring

Oh my dear hamstring,
How you have been nagging me for 4 whole weeks.

I've tended to your callings,
by getting physical therapy and altering my shims.

But you still call to me,
wail to me as I attack, climb hills, and sit.

I know you wail from being overworked,
While your neighboring muscles relax and drink lemonade.

Please get better fast,
so I can race without worrying about you.

Together we can dominate,
but without you, I'm just that gimp at home.

Swiss STOP

These new brake pads, these new rims...  

My training rims brake like crap.  They are worn out, have tons of grooves in them, and I'm lucky if I can stop when I slam on them.  Combine this with rain (frequent around here) and I'll often grab a handful of brakes and nothing happens.

Fast forward to today's race.  I had my fancy Edge rims, which contrary to what many people think about carbon rims, brake a LOT better than my training rims.  They also brake inconsistently.  No brakes no brakes all of a sudden BAM brakes.   I've only ridden these a handful of times in dry weather (in wet, forget about stopping quickly), so I'm not entirely used to how they brake.  It gets me in trouble because I occasionally find myself accidentally "slamming" on the brakes when I only intended to feather them.  Obviously this will get better the more I ride them, BUT that didn't help me today.

I was greatly outnumbered today, so I took a more proactive approach.  I knew the attacks would be fierce and relentless, so instead of slowly chasing them down like usual, I raced aggressively early in hopes of getting in a break and reducing the attacks.  It took a few laps for the break to finally get established.  I attacked a lot.  I chased a lot.  I tried to jump every time I started to chase to at least make it harder for the others ("ain't towing fatties", as my old Michigan teammates would say).  Hamstring started hurting, I told myself I'd stop in a lap if it didn't get better, and what to you know, I'm in the break.

It was different than any break I've been in all year.  We weren't going very hard, and it took me a little while to realize that this was ok; we had  good enough team representation that no one would catch us.  In other races, it's taken all my energy just to stay there.  On the last lap, the attacks returned.  TH told me to wait for the sprint because people usually go too early, so I waited... but it was too late.  Once again, I got 2nd.   Still 2nd in the WA Cup.   

Trudge, Trudge

We are moving on Sunday.  Exciting!  Our new place has a garage, but no dishwasher.  We will either have an exercise in responsibility or very quickly realize that we need a tabletop dishwasher.  I'm guessing the latter.  I will post pictures on Sunday! 

Racing has been going ok.  Last week was difficult.  70 mile state road race on Saturday and a 55 mile hilly race on Sunday.  Saturday was kind of dumb.  It was raining, we got neutralized for like half the last lap, and it basically came down to a 3k-to-go drag race.  It ended on a short, steep (14%) hill, and I was in the totally wrong gear.  There was also a crash at the line, i got a little distracted, and got 7th.  Sunday was better.  Sunny, hard.  People kept breaking away solo, and for a number of reasons, I waited too long to chase/attack.  I was in a group of 4 with 3 others up the road.  I sprinted so, so, so hard but got 5th, 2nd in my group.  It was an omnium, money went 5 deep, and of course I got 6th.  LAME!

My hamstring continues to be an issue.  It hurts during every race and every hard ride.  I did Seward park last night (also in the rain), and it's been hurting all day as a result.  I made some bike fit changes (took one shim out and flipped the other), which is helping fix the problem, but the hamstring is still strained and it still hurts when I ride hard.  Not as bad as it was at Cherry Blossom, though.  

Don't let anyone mess you up

"Don't let anyone mess you up, not even me."

I got word a few weeks ago that my old triathlon coach, David Lapoff, died.  He was the most intelligent, passionate person I've ever encountered.  So knowledgeable, always had an answer to my obscure questions and injuries.  Just an all-around great source of knowledge and support.  Such a tragic loss.

It's been an up and down few weeks with my hamstring issue (since Cherry Blossom), and I got to thinking about how, as an athlete, I need to take responsibility for myself.  He wisely told me, when he started coaching me, "don't let anyone mess you up, not even me" and I've really taken those words with me.  It takes a really genuine coach to say something like that.  

At first I wanted so badly to email him and tell him about my issues, and I got really upset when I realized I can't do that anymore.  All I can do is take his words, take responsibility for myself, and make sure that no one messes me up.  For you, DL.

The Counter-Attack

I'm from the school of thought where bike races should be hard, and I like trying to make them hard.

Today was my first road race in 3 weeks because of my crash, and I was feeling pretty crappy when I got on my bike after yesterday's TT (my first sustained effort in about 3 weeks).  Our race was separate 1/2 women with 5 laps, 5 times up a 1k climb.  The first time up it, I thought "oh no this isn't good," legs don't feel good.

I attacked a number of times during the race.  Realistically, there was only one person I was truly concerned about with the uphill finish, and of course she won, I got 2nd.  I attacked on the flats.  I went with a move on the climb.  I attacked some more on the flats.  I was really surprised with how little interest the others had in counter attacking.  Come on, people!  That is the golden ticket!  In retrospect, maybe I should have counter-attacked myself.

I don't get the concept of saving all your matches.  I know I have a lot of matches, and I use them wisely (or at least more wisely than I used t0).  I now have a better feel for how many I can burn, and I didn't feel like any of my attacks today jeopardized my chances at the finish.  I know my chances of winning are much higher if I'm in a breakaway, so I like to do whatever I can to make that happen.  Really today came down to positioning and a little bit of confusion.  Anyway, I am happy with the effort I put in today.  Looking at the big picture, I had a great day, built more fitness than the others, and I had fun.   Good to be back!

I also find it somewhat comical when people yell into the wind.  I've started not listening to anything anyone tells me in bike races, but it's really great when I can't even hear what they are yelling about.  

The Plague

Apparently, I am very allergic to saw dust.  We are in the process of expanding next door at work, and the saw dust was killing me yesterday.  I sounded like I had the plague.

My asthma has always been difficult to understand.  I took meds for awhile, but none of them really helped.  Now I don't take anything, and it's generally ok, but if I am around dust, cats, mold, drink too much milk, or eat some mysterious food ingredient that I have yet to identify, I sound like I have the plague.

My shoulder appears to be gradually improving.  The pain changed today - instead of a localized pain, it moved down my arm a little bit, like the fluid is draining.  I can only hope.  I will try to ride tomorrow outside.

It also appears that there is some debate over how the crash at Cherry Blossom happened.  My interpretation was that I ran out of gas, started slowing down before the last 2 corners, and then the person next to me on the inside didn't hold her line and caused me to crash.  Others say that I hit the corner too hot and tried to turn my bike too sharply, taking myself out.  This explanation doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me because I was going slower than everyone else.  Perhaps I did take myself out, I don't really know. I knew going into that corner that I wasn't in a good situation, and I've learned a lot from my mistakes. 

I'll be the first to admit that I don't have the sharpest crit skills (I just haven't done that many with big fields and I haven't been racing nearly as long as the others.  Even if I did all the summer crits in Michigan, it wouldn't have prepared me for the racing around here).  It's something I'm working on, it's gotten a lot better, and it will continue to get better.   

Things I can't Believe

1.  That women, and I guess men too, can upgrade to cat 3 without ever doing a crit.  It seems completely unacceptable to me that your first crit can in a pro/1/2/3 race.  

2.  Belltown.  An area of Seattle unlike any other, it's like being in a parallel universe.  Full of those people who were never very cool in college, but now that they are young and wealthy, they can fake it.  Men in sparkly shirts and fancy blazers.  I'd imagine it would be fun to put on a show like that every weekend.   It's pretty entertaining to watch but not my thing at all.

3.  Chocolate bunnies.  Why are they so good?!    

Easter Basket

My mother spoiled me as a child and basically up until a few years ago.  I always got these huge Easter baskets filled with a bunch of crap that I would never need.  

Bunnies that poop candy.  Easter themed Kelly  dolls (Barbie's little sister).  Gigantic chocolate Easter bunnies.  Easter barrettes.  Sometimes I'd even get something practical like a pen or Shout Wipes.

But one day I told her not to give them to me anymore because most of the stuff was useless.  Since then, though, I miss them.  And I always secretly wish for an Easter basket.

Or even an Easter egg hunt!  My sister and I would always wear our tennis shoes to Easter brunch at the country club so that we could run faster in the Easter egg hunt.  We'd plow through everyone and get those damn golden eggs.  Hell yeah we did!

In other news, the shoulder, in fact, feels worse today.   I'm not sure if it's from the riding or from lifting stuff at work.  I'm losing my motivation a little bit because I'm having trouble balancing this; PT says it's ok to do tempo, but I haven't shown any real signs of progress since Monday.  I know I will be fine once I can start training for real again, but until then, I'm in this weird state of limbo where my body says REST and everyone else says its ok to GO.   On top of that, I had about 4 shitty/mentally taxing weekends in a row.  I know it will only take one good day to turn it all around, so I just have to hang on til then.  I just want to be pain-free because I can't mentally (or physically for that matter) devote myself 100% to training or racing when I can't freakin pedal out of the saddle or turn my freakin steering wheel. 

Man does that pendulum swing in the sport of cycling.  

The Reality

"It's worse than we originally thought."
"What do you mean?"
"We're going to have to amputate."

Not really, but it is worse than I originally thought. No one ever told me this before, but I guess inflammation/water makes muscle disintegrate. I went to the PT yesterday, and he said that there is so much inflammation that my shoulder muscle is just turning to mush. Mush, doggy, mush mush.

This is partly my fault because I ran out of ibuprofen, so I haven't taken any since Sunday.

So this means no racing this weekend (which I'm not too bummed about missing 2 crits) and lots of trainer riding for awhile mainly because if I were to crash again, I'd be in big trouble.

The good news is that there is nothing really wrong with my shoulder. It's just fat and puffy.

People have been so very nice. Thanks for all the concern and well-wishes!

The Pieces Come Together

A few days have passed since my crash, and I've had a few revelations:

1. It never occurred to me as I was laying on the ground that I was a. on the road and b. impeding the start of the men's race.  I also didn't realize how long I was on the ground for.  This makes me think that I did, indeed, have a concussion.  I *could* have gotten up, but I was happy laying on the ground, and I didn't think anything of it. That's never happened before.

2. I do have my skinsuit and my race numbers.  I thought they were thrown away.  Looking at my skinsuit now, I see why people laughed when I got mad that they cut it.

3. My shoulder hurts.  A lot.  It didn't hurt after I crashed, and it didn't start hurting until Sunday night, but now I can't climb out of the saddle or pull on the bars.  Hope it gets better soon.

4.  Road rash makes you fat!  Yesterday I was 7 lbs heavier than I normally am.  I must have a lot of inflammation.  

My Silly Ambulance Ride

Well, the crit didn't go so well.

I drank some coffee a few hours before, which got my mojo back, and I was excited for the crit.  4 corner, wide, nice.  I felt good during warmup, no problem with the hamstring.  I even got a call up because I was 5th overall.

The race was going fine, I was feeling a little nervous but not too bad considering there were 50 people in our race.  On the last lap, as we came by the finish line, I heard Jen yell "go!"  so I went to start the leadout.  This is the first real leadout I've done, and as you can imagine, I messed it up.  I went too fast, and halfway down the back stretch, I died.  People started passing me, and I was still slowing down coming into the final corner.

I'm not sure what happened, but all of a sudden, I was sliding out.  I've heard from others that someone behind me hit my wheel, which seems like the best explanation.  I laid on the ground for awhile as blood gushed out of my elbow.

This is where the ridiculous part started.  I was fine, just some road rash and I was just comfortable laying on the ground.  Lesson 1: If you can get up, DO IT.  They began cutting off my brand new skinsuit! NOO not the skinsuit!!  Then they started putting me in a neck brace and getting me ready for the stretcher.  Stretcher?! But I'm fine!  Then they duct taped my head to the stretcher, strapped me down, and towed me away in an ambulance.   I was laughing at them the whole time because it was completely ridiculous and unnecessary.

I got to the hospital, and they said the doctor would look at me after I was all cleaned up.  They asked me what kind of pain meds I wanted, and I said I don't know, so they gave me a shot of morphine in my ass.  Morpine?  I just fell off my bike, guys, I was hardly even in pain.  I also had hit my head fairly hard, so you'd think this wouldn't be a smart thing to give me...  

They cleaned me up and discharged me.  The doctor didn't even look at me.  He thought I might need stitches in my elbow and I assumed they would check me out for a concussion, but nope, they sent me home with a half-assed bandage job.  What a waste of my time and money.

I was feeling fine today, and I wanted to race, but my caring teammates wouldn't let me.  They are probably right, because my shoulder and neck are hurting more as the day goes on.  I am just bummed because the race would have been fun and I think I would have done well.  Oh well.  There will be more.

Some of the others who crashed didn't fare so well.  I hope they get better fast!

Suffer Much?

Yep. Everyday.

Here I am in the Dalles, OR for the Cherry Blossom Stage race. What they forgot to mention is that the Dalles has no trees nor cherry blossoms, it just has WIND. Stage was was 55 miles of wind and a whole lot of pain. There were 25mph winds, and my Edges were getting blown around like crazy. On top of that, I was in a 7 person breakaway from the first mile or so. I kept thinking we would settled down after a lap, but no, we kept going hard the whole time. And it hurt the whole time.

The good news is that we put a bunch of time on the rest of the field. At the end, though, 3 people broke away right after I pulled through and I didn't have the legs to respond. I was feeling pretty crappy at the beginning of the race, and at the end, after I stopped for a few minutes, I couldn't pedal because it appears I strained my hamstring. No wonder I was hurting so much and couldn't sprint!

The TT was this morning, which didn't go so well for me. I was hesitant with my hamstring, so I didn't go as fast as I could/should have, but I didn't do too terribly. I am still sitting in 4th out of the 25 1/2s and 5th out of the 50 1/2/3s. It doesn't matter much anyway because tomorrow is going to be so difficult.

Tonight is the crit and tomorrow is one hell of a road race with some LONG climbs in it. I am excited for it as long as my hamstring is ok.

I was feeling super tired, and I realized it's because I forgot my coffee the last few days. I drank some, and I am rockin!

It's been fun hanging out with the team. We still need to get our first W.

Ouch

I ripped my poor legs to pieces this weekend.

Yesterday was a brutal 60 mile road race in 36 degrees and snow/rain. My feet were numb at the end, and by that, I mean the entire foot from toe to heel. I was the lone Hagens rider, so I had to battle it out alone against 5 wines and 3 group health.

There were 2 significant climbs on the course, and after the first one on the first lap, about half the field was gone. Wines proceeded to relay attack for the entire race, and no one else would help with the chase. There was a lot of bitching and yelling, which I'm not used to in bike races, especially in races where I do a TON of work.

So more relay attacking, more of me going hard up the hills to try to get rid of people. On the 3rd lap, we were down to 5 - 2 wines, me, a group health, and a new cat 3. We worked together until the last hill, and I punched it towards the top, dropping everyone except Tricia from wines. But Tricia hadn't done any work all day (because she had teammates and didn't need to), and I had burned a lot of matches chasing down attacks and dropping people. I waited for her to launch the sprint this time, but my poor little legs couldn't follow, and I got 2nd again. What is with this 2nd place curse?

Then today I geared up for a 20k TT. It was 34 at the start so the race was delayed an hour. I was feeling mentally cracked and my legs felt like craaapppp during warm up. They continued to feel like crap through the whole TT, but I did the best I could. I had an early start time, and after I passed the other women within the first 5 minutes, I was completely alone. It was nice to ride solo, though, and I felt a lot better after - mentally, at least. I rode with the powertap so my placing wasn't great. Finished it off with 45 mins of E on the road bike.

Mickey's Pants

I can paint a wall, damn it! 

Our new shop is opening soon, and we are busy getting the new space ready.  TH didn't think I was capable of painting a wall for some reason, but I insisted, and I proved him wrong.  

I must say, the "Mickey's Pants" red looks quite nice.  Still needs another coat, though.

Another Bummer

The race today, at Tour de Dung, was flat and boring.

I had my new wheels, which was really exciting for about half a lap until I got a flat. Because the race was so flat, there was nowhere to catch back on, and despite my valiant 14 mile TT effort, I was left in the dust. I didn't realize how difficult it would be to catch back on. I wish I had a better sense of urgency at the time.

Oh well. I don't know how well I would have done anyway. Legs felt good, though! Somehow they came around these last few days.

I will put the 23mm tires on my wheels now. I also won't use tires that were sitting behind a dresser for a year.

Who gets front flats, anyway?

Drool in Glue

I wonder if drool changes the adhesive properties of tubular glue.  

I am pre-gluing my rims, and I keep drooling in the glue because they are so sweet.

Zoom zoom these wheels wanna go fast!  

Zoom zoom I wanna go fast!

New Bike, New Wheels

My new wheels, Edge 1.68s with DT190 hubs, finally arrived.  Yeah ceramic bearings!  Totally unnecessary...  And my TT bike is finished, so it's time for pictures.  

Please feel free to take a moment to puke because both of them are SICK!

Bummer

The race today was canceled.  This was probably good because at 8:30 (when the race was supposed to start) it was still 33 and snowing.  Even if we had raced, it would have been miserable, more so than yesterday.

It's a bummer, though.  I was looking forward to it since there is a hill on the course, and I think I would have felt pretty good.  Now I get the day off, though.  

We should have gone skiing.

Mason Lake 2: Yuck

 I think I can finally feel my toes again.

It was pouring rain and cold - 41ish.  The field was smaller today, probably only 10 women and 10 men, and a lot of people dropped out.  My legs were feeling pretty zapped because I did TT intervals yesterday in an effort to get ready for the upcoming stage races or something like that.  About halfway into the first lap, my glasses started fogging up, so I took them off, but there was still a lot of road spray and I couldn't see ANYTHING!  During the 2nd lap, a deluge of water went into my shoes and my feet were suddenly soaked.  My hands quickly followed suit, and by lap 3, they were pretty frozen.  I started thinking of ways that I could crash so that I wouldn't have to race anymore, but none of my options seemed very appealing, so I stuck to it.  

Jen, Tricia from Wines (who won last week), some random Idaho girl, and I got in a breakaway, but the men chased us down.  Some yelling ensued, but it felt like I was in a parallel universe because I couldn't understand what was going on or why there was so much yelling.  I've been reading Into Thin Air, and I felt like one of the dudes stranded on Everest where nothing really made sense.  This happened a few other times when the officials came to yell at us but I have no idea why.  Rain clouds my brain.  

So then on the last lap, Tricia attacked again.  My legs were pretty dead at this point but I went with her and so did the Idaho girl.  We worked together until the end, and I couldn't feel my hands at all.  I had nothing in my legs, so I just waited for the finish.  The other two looked pretty dead too, but I slowed my breathing and pretended like I felt ok.  I launched my sprint a little too early, and I got a gap on Tricia.  I had her at 200m, but then I promptly died, and she passed me. :( I got 2nd again, but I was a lot closer this time!  We even beat the men!  Jen did well, too, winning the the field sprint and coming in 4th.  

Looks like tomorrow may be worse!

Chip chip chip

Just chipping away, one day at a time.

Erin and I are going to dinner soon to celebrate our 3 year anniversary. What fun we have had over the last 3 years!

First Race: Success! Sort Of

Today was the first race of the season, Mason Lake 1.  My legs felt a little funky because I did too much Trigger Point yesterday, but once I got moving I felt ok.

It was SO nice to have teammates to go to the race with!  That really helped ease my nerves.  The skies opened up, and it was a nice sunny day aside from the wind.  

It felt really nice to get back into racing.  I felt pretty comfortable in the pack, and I did a pretty good job of staying towards the front.  They combined the 1/2 women with the masters men, which changed the dynamic quite a bit.  We couldn't do a lot of work in the beginning because the men would just chase us down.  A mens breakaway got some distance, though, and on the last lap, the other guys sat up and let us do our own race.

Beth was in a breakaway, and as they were getting caught, I attacked.  I feel bad because I attacked a little too early and it looked like I was chasing her down.  That was NOT the intention!  Then there were 3 of us, 3 wines chicks and 2 others.  We did a rotating paceline for awhile.  It looked like everyone was pretty tired, so I attacked with maybe 5 miles to go.  

1 wines rider came with me, and we worked together very well to get a good gap.  It sounded like she was breathing pretty hard, and I knew she is a good sprinter, so I tried to attack her with 1k to go.  That didn't work, and my legs were fried for the sprint, so I got 2nd. 

We still have some team tactics kinks to work out, but it's just the first race.  I also need to keep practicing my sprinting, but it will come.  

But boy oh boy was it FUN!  It's great to be back in the mix.

Getting Faster Pains

Sometimes, actually frequently, when I ride my bike really hard, I get these pains in my legs.

I don't know how to explain them. They feel like growing pains. I usually describe them as achy. It's this dull, constant pain in my quads, glutes, and basically the whole lateral sides of my legs.

Now my legs are really achy. I hope they are GETTING FASTER pains!

A Sense of Calm

The season is quickly approaching, and I'm finding myself more calm than ever.  I've noticed a big change in myself over the last few months especially.  

I've been reading Mind Body Mastery - Training for Sport and Life.  It talks about accommodation -- progressively overloading your mind, taking small steps on the border of your comfort zone.  Interestingly, this is exactly what I did.  My bike handling skills used to suck.  In October, even.  But I've made a conscious effort to push the limit every day.

Every turn I've taken since October, every mountain I've gone down, every twisty road I've hit, I've made an effort to improve, to push the limit of what feels comfortable.  I don't know when it happened, but one day it clicked.  Maybe it was gradual, but one day, I was flying down Tiger with my teammates, and I thought to myself "this would have terrified me a few months ago."  In places where I normally would get dropped, I excelled.  I wanted to go faster.  

My swim coach in high school always used to say that overnight success doesn't happen overnight.  I never really understood this until recently.  Now I see tons of people doing the same thing -- training easy from October to January, killing themselves in February, and getting burnt out by June.  Meanwhile, I see myself slowly progressing through the offseason.  I know that my training is not making me fast for this season.  It is making me fast for next season, and I am okay with that.  

This isn't to say that I will be slow.  I'm not.  I'd say I'm equal.  But it's a journey, and my journey is not geared towards being fast for a few months.  I just know that one day, probably sometime next year, my patience will pay off.  Until then, I will enjoy the journey and the daily tests.  I will add these experiences into my foundation so that one day, I can KILL.

Slapped by a Pedestrian

I was doing some hard intervals today in the pouring rain when I suddenly looked up and saw a man and his dog crossing the street (visibility was pretty poor). I was probably going about 25+ at this point, and I grabbed a handful of brakes.

I quickly realized, like most of the time in the rain, that my brakes wouldn't do much good. The man and his dog were taking up the whole right side of the road, so I swung left, hoping he wouldn't keep moving too fast. I started yelling some "whoa whoa whoa"s because I knew I couldn't stop.

Unfortunately, I must have slowed down too much because the dude slapped me! He slapped me really hard on the arm. I yelled some profanities at him and continued on my way.

Paw in Escalator

Erin's family was in town this weekend. Erin and I were waiting in the lobby at the hotel, and we witnessed something very disturbing.

A man with 2 small yapper dogs went up the escalator. One of the dogs got it's paw stuck in the escalator. Much yelping ensued.

This raises a few questions:
1. Why would you get a yapper dog?
2. Why would you bring your yapper dog to the nicest hotel in Seattle?
3. Are yapper dogs allowed in the hotel?
4. Why would you bring your yapper dog on the escalator??

As we went down the other side of the escalator to leave, we saw a toe nail sitting near the top of the other side. Poor doggie!

Aww yeah!

I realized that my last post was no fun without a picture.  I'm really digging the sugar shorts.

New Team Kit

I got my new team kit today.  Sweeet!  

I forgot how much I ordered - 3 full kits, a skin suit, a vest, a long sleeved jersey, arm warmers.

It's like Christmas. :)  The Squadra shorts are nice, but they are short, and they make my quads look HUGE.  

Yeah!

Poor little guy... This is what I occasionally do in my spare time with Photoshop. Maybe I will add more later so his eyes fall on the floor at the end. Now the lighting isn't right. Boo.

Recovery Week and New Phones

My boss gave me a phone on Thursday, a nice HTC Fuze so now I can check my email all the time.  Like most things, at first I didn't like it or the idea of having a new phone, BUT now I like it a lot.  Something about doing a good job with work?  

This week was sort of a recovery week, but not really.  I still did ~11.5 hours of training including 3x10:00 full gas TT efforts on Thursday (averaged 290 watts!), a tempo ride with hill reps yesterday, and a 3 hour team ride today.  Easy compared to normal I guess.  I felt good on Thursday, great yesterday, and like crap today.   

The Spirotiger still makes me wheeze, and it makes my intercostals sore.  I hope it helps in some way.  

Racing starts soon.  If my TT bike comes this week, I will probably do a TT next Sunday.  Otherwise, racing starts the week after that.  Bring on the boring, flat March races!  

Erin ditched me for Valentines day to ride his bike in Tucson until Wednesday.  Lame.

Thirsty

Sometimes, I get carried away.  When I notice that people around me are getting tired, I get thirsty, and I have no problem ripping my own legs off just to make them hurt.  I love having that power, but you know, like spiderman says, with great power comes great responsibility.  I usually end up digging a deep, DEEP hole.  

Maybe this is why I like cycling so much -- because my suffering results in the direct suffering of others or vice versa.  

Luckily, with a huge base under my legs, those holes don't go so deep anymore.  With the right recovery techniques and enough protein to feed a small country, I usually feel even better on day 2.

This week, I am learning how to sprint from the master himself.  It's really the only thing holding me back at this point, and I believe it's more of a mechanics issue than anything.  

Our team ride was really fun today.  Our team is going to be STRONG!

Rollers

For one reason or another, I'd never ridden rollers before.  This is partially because I don't have any and partially because I've only been around them before races, which didn't seem like the best time to learn.

Well, today was the day, and I have to say, there must be a bunch of idiots out there because it isn't very difficult at all.  In fact, it was easy.  I used to hear all these stories about triathletes falling off of them endlessly, but I guess the real issue there was the triathlete, not the rollers.

I feel much better today.  I did some nice sub-threshold hill reps yesterday, and that seemed to shake the crap out of my legs.  We rode pretty hard on Saturday, and 4.5 hours was much longer than I was supposed to do.  I should be rolling much more smoothly this week.  

Spirotiger

I started using the Spirotiger this week for some respiratory muscle training.  I switched to a 2.5 L bag today, and my lungs have felt scratchy ever since.  I hope it's the Spirotiger and not a looming sickness.

My jury is still out on whether or not it actually helps.  I'm hoping it will help my asthma in some way since I stopped taking my meds like 8 months ago due to my increasing cheapness.  

Erin and I went ice skating tonight, but I couldn't commit to half the jumps I did last year when I went.  Last time, I was able to do everything I've ever learned except an axel (did not attempt), but today I couldn't commit to even a flip.  It was really crowded, though, and I never broke in my skates before I quit, and they are 2 sizes too small.  Excuses. Excuses. 

Recharge

I finally got my oh-so-needed recovery.  I don't know why exactly, but I was feeling really worn down this week, and I couldn't snap out of it.

All it took was a steak, some vitamin D, and a day off instead of a 3.5 hr ride tomorrow, and I am rockin'.  It was more of a mental break that I needed, but my legs are pretty tired too.  By the weekend, I should be ready to kick my training in the ass.  Boo yah.

I got a bike fit today for a new TT bike! Yeah employee pricing.  I'm getting a Guru Magis.  I was so bogged down today that I wasn't even excited about it, but now I am.  

My right inner thigh is oddly sore.  The left one isn't at all.  Hamstrings are very sore.  Oww Romanian dead lifts.

Stab the Beast!

No wait, it stabbed me.

I had a hard week of training.  I ended up being a few hours short, but I am beat up.  Yesterday, I went on the Rocket Ride for the first time.  It's a really fast group ride lead by a few former pros, and it's fast from start to finish.  It's only 50 miles and about 2.75 hours, but it just about killed me.  It's very hilly, and I averaged 190 watts for the ride (most group rides, I average 140ish).

I was able to hang on until the last 5 miles or so.  The thing about the rocket ride is this: it's not if you will get dropped, it's when.  It's almost worse to get dropped later because the pain just lasts longer.  I was digging myself into a special compartment in the hurt box, but TH gave me some awesome pushes that saved me from really turning it inside out.

Today I could only manage 90 minutes on the trainer, and I couldn't ride above my endurance zone.   I also mistakenly assumed that this week would be a recovery week.  Surprise! It's not! 

Vibrating Platforms

I was reading this article in the Journal of Strength and Conditioning about vibrating platforms.  It said that standing on a platform for 6 minutes, instead of doing a traditional warmup, increases power and flexibility.  

It didn't even talk about the possible physiological basis behind it.  Probably all it does is loosen your muscles up, but who wants to stand on a vibrating platform for 6 minutes?  There is evidence that vibrations can improve bone strength, but you'd probably be better off jumping rope, and that would be more entertaining as well.  

There was a study done in Canada where they made little kids jump up and down for a few minutes everyday.  They'd go on the PA at school and announce it was jump time.  The kids loved it, and it made their bones stronger.

It's interesting, though, since stretching increases flexibility but decreases power.  I'd think that a sport-specific warmup is still better than a vibrating platform.

Bus Drivers: What's With Them?

This has happened to me a few times.  Today I was riding my bike on the fun twisty section on Mercer Island.  It has these awesome, perfectly banked turns, so you can fly through them faster than in a car.  Like a velodrome, but better.

This school bus was in front of me.  The driver pulled over to let 4 cars pass, and I was at the end of the line of cars.  He cut me off and proceeded to make me stop and unclip twice before he finally pulled over to let me by.  Come on man! Give me a break.  This used to happen to me in Ann Arbor all the time.  

Otherwise today was a great day.  Work was pretty fun.  I was busy the whole time, and I taught my first computrainer class, which went well.  Then I rocked out a 3 hour ride with some kicks. Legs felt great.  

And tonight Erin and I went to our swing dancing class.  It's fun because we have to switch partners every few minutes, so you learn much faster.  But then I always get paranoid about washing my hands after.    

My ice skates came in the mail yesterday.  I can't wait to go ice skating on Friday and practice my madd skillz.  I miss figure skating.

Veins

My veins look huge right now, which is indicative of a solid ass-kicking I gave myself this weekend.   They are trying to recover me.  

It rained almost the whole time today.  Not hard rain, but misty.  There is grit everywhere.  My poor bike.  These long, steady high E rides wear on me almost as much as the team rides and the cougar mountain suffer-fests.  We had to alter our route a few times due to flooding, but we soldiered on.  

So far, my new team seems really great.  All the women seem pretty cool, not unnecessarily serious, and very talented.  It's exciting to be on a team with so many talented, experienced riders.  We have ~8 cat 1/2 women, more than in the whole state of Michigan!  

I hope that I can hang on.  I have 2 big weeks ahead of me.  

Nice Day

It felt great to finally get back on the road today and hit some real tempo.  

The weather had a nice, spring-in-Michigan feel to it.  It snowed a few inches last night (rare), but it was 45 degrees today so most of it melted.  It was a little windy, wet, and cold enough to make my toes red, but not cold enough to complain about it.  

I was always really excited during days like this in Ann Arbor, usually in March or April.  Something about the way the air smells and feels.  A sign that the weather was changing and the seemingly endless winter was actually ending.  But of course, it would always snow a few more times, just to stab that knife in a little deeper.

In other news, I start WORK tomorrow. Yay!  It won't pay the bills yet, but the understanding is that I will get more hours over time.  Hopefully I have enough stashed away to last that long.