Ballard

Every year, on a Saturday in early June, bike racers take over a few blocks of Ballard for the Ballard Criterium. Despite having never actually done this race, it holds a lot of (not-so-good) memories for me. For my first year at Ballard, I was deep in the throes of injury. This was an injury that took me from an up-and-coming, aspiring pro bike racer to ... nothing. An injury that would keep me on the sidelines at Ballard for a few more years and ultimately lead me away from road bike racing and into trail running.

For the first few years, going to Ballard was rough. It was a sharp, painful reminder of all that was lost in my short-lived bike racing career. Some years I avoided it. Some years I just showed up and endured. But as time went on, it got easier, and on days like yesterday, I can volunteer at the race with a sense of gratitude about what Ballard has taught me.

I'm currently in the midst of training for the Cascade Crest 100 mile endurance run. The event is still about 3 months away, and I have my biggest, hardest weeks of training ahead of me. Seriously, I can't even look at my plan because it freaks me out. However, maybe the hardest weeks actually aren't ahead of me. They may have been those few years of watching the Ballard crit on the sidelines, and just enduring.

Ballard taught me how to endure. There were many years when I couldn't run at all, or even bike. There were times when my physical therapists told me not to ever be a runner. But I endured. And now that my life is more in order, with an exciting career, a great group of friends, a kind-but-no-bullshit husband, two love-bug dogs, and the trails as my outlet, I think these next three months will be a celebration of all that I've endured.

Gratitude, but not complacency

Ever since my "vacation," I've been thinking about the concept of gratitude, but not complacency.

I say "vacation" because we visited places like the killing fields and S-21, a school that the Khmer Rouge turned into a prison/torture center. This isn't the type of vacation that most people go for, but similar to how I like to challenge myself by running long distances, I also like to use vacation as a way to learn about something.

Anyway, back to my point. In Cambodia, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude from the people there. But I also saw this.

From afar, you might think "oh, what a pretty stupa," but it's actually full of skulls that belonged to just a small fraction of the people who were killed by the Khmer Rouge. It documents the type of injury on each of the skulls so we know how they died. What's especially amazing about the horrific Cambodian genocide is that these people were all basically killed individually -- by blows to the head, with knives, by throwing them against a tree. It would have been relatively easy for a small group to stand up to this regime.

I think my point is that gratitude can easily slip into complacency, and complacency is a very slippery slope. While it's easy for that balance to tip too far into complacency, it's also quite easy to become ungrateful and take things for granted.

I tried to write a paragraph about how this ties to my life, but in the end, that just didn't seem appropriate. I think it's pretty clear where this dichotomy surfaces in life, so I'll leave it to you to think about how it applies to you.

My takeaway is to approach each day with a subtle tension between the two. Grateful for my husband, my health, my job, my dogs, my house; but also exploring options, testing limits, and avoiding complacency.

Orcas Dorkus 50k

Hi there friends,

It has been a long time since I posted on this blog, and I feel like I'm mostly a different person since then (ok, maybe not. But road bike racing? haha). Now I'm a trail runner (I guess the term is ultrarunner, but I don't feel more special than any other runner).

Anyway, over the last year or so, I stumbled into the world of long distance running/hiking/snack eating. This started with the Deception Pass 50k last December, and it cascaded into a series of adventures such as unofficially running the White River 50M course, pacing my gal pal Megan Kogut through the last 33 miles of Cascade Crest, suffering through 33 miles of slogging around Mt St Helens, and a few others mixed in. Since the fall, I've been pretty lazy, though, and I'd say that I just rode on my coat tails to prepare for Orcas 50k. Pro tip: this is a pretty good strategy.

Here is my report from Orcas!

We headed up on Friday afternoon, as a small clan of brave running friends - Megan, Callista, and Sharon, and meeting up with more friends like Vivian and Lisa on the island. I like going to races with smaller groups of people, I guess because I'm an introvert at heart. I was happy that I did the 25k last year because I knew what I was getting into regarding the whole bunk house situation. Orcas is a special race because we all stay at the cabins at Moran State Park. Think Girl Scouts/Summer Camp, but for nerdy trail running adults.

I saw that the forecast called for rain, and the race email talked about muddy/slippery trails. I didn't take the mud very seriously, so I packed my umbrella hat for the rain, and the worst shoes possible for mud running.

We all opted to do the early start, so at 7AM on Saturday, we began our adventure with headlamps, slight nerves, and one lonely umbrella hat.

Based on past hard lessons, I tried to start out easy. The race starts with 6 miles of gradual uphill running. It was dark, but lighter in some spots depending on the tree coverage.  Headlamp on going downhill. Headlamp off going uphill. 30 minutes in, time to start snacking. Vivian introduced me to these amazing Chi sesame snacks. They are great because they come in small pieces, so it's easy to convince yourself to eat a few at a time. Not hungry, but eat snacks anyway. Drink. Eat. Umbrella hat. "Sweet hat!" Yeah, it is sweet. I feel so dry underneath. It's wet and rainy. As we get close to the first summit, it gets colder. Should I put on my jacket? No. Umbrella hat keeps me warm, and I'll start running again soon. I see Megan up the road, but I don't quite catch her. Slow down. You are breathing too hard. Now we start going downhill. It's sloppy and technical. People blow by me. Don't lose your cool. Just keep going. You'll find your rhythm. Ugh why can't I go faster? If you go faster you'll fall. Mud ski down the hill. First aid station at about 6 miles. Take 2 Gus. Eat one now. Take one for the road. Eat more sesame snacks. Where'd Megan go? 3 miles later, "Oh! There's Megan." Megan's not feeling good, and she's eating a banana? Is that the right thing to eat when you're bonking? Who knows! Eat more sesame snacks. Drink more gu brew. Now we go along this sloppy flat section for awhile. Slop slop slop. These Hokas are really full of water. Shoulda worn my Salomons. Too late to worry about that. Around mile 10, we start going uphill again. There are more hills than I remember in the course profile. Funny how that happens. We go over this "Mt Picket" summit, but actually it's a lie. We go downhill for awhile (mile 12), and then we start going up a steeper mountain. My legs feel good today. It's a "no chain" kind of day, if I were bike racing. The late starters begin passing me. "Sweet umbrella hat!" "Awesome hat!" Hey, it's cool that I made it 12 miles before the fast people caught me. I thought the next aid station was at the top of the climb but now we're going downhill again. Finally get to the next aid station (mile 14?). Volunteer offers to fill my pack, but she can't figure out how to close it. IT'S COOL, I GOT IT! They lied about the "gluten free tortillas" I think. Those look like flour tortillas. Girl with a big gash in her leg comes through aid station and asks to get first aid help. They tell her to just leave it. What would my wilderness first aid class say about that? I start running again. "I'm trained in first aid. I can help you!" I think in my head. But I don't have a first aid kit. Am I still AOx4? What is the 4th? What's your name? What time is it? Where are you? And... What happened? Those steri strip exercises were fun. I could close her up with a steri strip! I wonder if they will have gluten free pizza at the finish?

6 more miles until my tequila shot. (I put one in my mile 20 drop bag.) Now we start the real sloshy mud fest, for the next ~4 miles? I'm stuck near these two women who keep chatting. SO LOUD. It's not even interesting what they are talking about, and they have accents. This is annoying me. Gah why are they still talking? How can you have this much to say at mile 16? Slosh slosh slosh. Mud skiing. I'm glad I did all those stability exercises. I bet Sharon isn't enjoying this. I wonder how Megan, Vivian and Callista are doing? Back to the annoying voices. UGH, I hate your accent. That's an irrational thought. Am I just getting hangry? Eat more snacks - bigger snacks, not sesame snacks. Only a few more miles until my tequila shot. People keep catching up to me. "Sweet umbrella hat!" Yep, it's still awesome. Oh hey, there's Glen Tachiyama! Hi Glen! We're getting close to powerline (a really steep 2 mile uphill), but I'm feeling pretty good.

Get to Mile 20 aid station. This tequila shot seems like a bad idea, but running 31 miles in the rain is also a bad idea. I take the shot. Ughhh that was a bad idea. I get more sesame snacks out of my drop bag, two more espresso love gels, and I continue on my way. Up powerline we go. It's comical how slippery it is. I'm crawling with my hands. I wish I had my poles. And my Salomons. I'm feeling the tequila. I kind of want to puke. Don't puke. I also really don't want to run these little downhills. Hey, I'm keeping up with the late starters pretty well up this thing. It'd be fun to mountain bike on this.. maybe? I still want to puke. This powerline trail doesn't seem as hard as last time. Remember when Megan ran up it? Hahahhaa. Espresso love gel, baby. More snacks. More gu brew. More water. I get up the powerline trail feeling pretty good. Then the trail goes downhill for a few miles before it eventually turns up again to the summit of Mt Constitution. Why am I so slow on the downhills today? My feet feel fine. I think I'm just being a lazy bitch. Quit being a whiny bitch. Remember how much faster we ran down this in the 25k? Hahaha. Oh well. Just enjoy the day. Someone passes me and asks if I'm doing ok. Do I look that bad? Did you not notice the umbrella hat? It's still raining, by the way. It's been raining all day. But the umbrella hat is still awesome.

Now we make the turn to go back up for the final big uphill stretch (about 2 miles?). Is that the guy who spoke as the Seattle Mountain Rescue fundraiser? His voice sounds similar. He says we have 20 more minutes of climbing. I'm getting dizzy. Is it altitude? How high up am I, anyway? Not that high. Remember when you tried to mountain bike down this hill? haha. Did I not eat enough? Did I eat any salt today? Eat more snacks. Drink more gu brew. Umbrella hat is still awesome.

I finally get to the summit- around mile 26. It's all socked in. No view at all. "I want my money back." Did I say that out loud? Yes. I was just kidding, though. I eat some potato chips and fill my bottle with coke. PRO TIP! Fill your bottle with coke after the last aid station. It's like a party all the way home. The last 6 miles are mostly all downhill. It's windy at the top, and my umbrella hat breaks. But hey! It finally stopped raining. Good timing. I'm running through a creek, though, basically. Slosh slosh slosh. Even though my feet are wet, I try to avoid the puddles. This seems silly, but I keep doing it. I try to keep the umbrella hat on for kicks, but it's too broken. If I sucked it up, I bet I could be done in an hour. But I'm a whiny bitch so that's not going to happen. Hey remember when you mountain biked up this side of the mountain, and someone you were with did pushups at the switchbacks? What a jerk! Glad I'm running down this. La de daaaa. Almost doneeee. One last big blowdown tree to climb over. Remember when Megan tried to climb over a fallen-down tree in the cascade crest pre run and she cramped really bad? My feet slide out from under me as I'm thinking about too many things, and I slide into the tree like a baseball player. Hahahaha. The rest is uneventful. It goes back uphill again, but I knew about this, so it wasn't surprising. Yayyyyyy finish time. Like an aeroplaneeee!

I came into the finish line just over 8 hours, and Megan came in about a minute later. Vivian, Callista, and Sharon came in right around then too. Everyone had a pretty good day, and it was exciting that we succeeded on such a muddy, tough day. Except for Liz - sorry Liz! :(

Yesterday I was feeling some weirdness in the back of my left knee. Is it a torn PCL? Popliteal tendon? Hamstring? But it's feeling better today, Tuesday*. I'm sore in lots of weird places, but feeling pretty good all things considered.

The best part about this race was that I felt pretty solid all the way though. Aside from my mid-race hangry/I hate everyone phase, I felt pretty happy and optimistic all day long. Some races, I spend the whole thing thinking about how I want to be done, so it was nice to have a day where I was mostly happy where I was at each moment.

Welp, that was longer than I intended. If you made it this far, let me know and I'll send you a coupon for something free!

*Some people are telling me that it's actually Monday.

Oh, hai bike racing

Well, this season has been interesting, to say the least.  I did a handful of road races, including Walla Walla, where I got my ass kicked for 4 straight stages.  By the 4th stage, I'd had enough, so I stopped... and I haven't had any desire to do a road race since.

I DID do a mountain bike race! Which is pretty impressive if you know my history of mountain biking.  You can read my report here on my team website.

Anyway, I'm getting married in 2 months, and the whole wedding process, in addition to several years of battling injury, has been a reflective process. My perspective has definitely changed, and I'm not sure that I fit in with the roadie world anymore.  Perhaps next year, things will be calmer and I'll find my place in it again, but I'm not so sure.

It's a few things, really:

First, my recovery process took FOREVER and it was a complete brawl to get through.  The whole experience of almost making it, getting injured, and losing everything including my job, circle of friends, and purpose was pretty difficult to work through.  It took me a few years to get my general life confidence back and even longer to get myself un-broken.  Once I got back in the races this year, it just didn't feel worth it.  I lost way more than bike racing gave me, and I just don't have the fight in me anymore to risk it again.

Second, I've lost quite a bit of competitiveness in this process because I've realized that having good results hasn't ever brought me much satisfaction in life.  I care more about hanging out with my friends and riding my bike outside, and sometimes I get sick of paying money for that.

Third, back to the thing about results not giving me much benefit in overall life. This wedding process has been a reflective time.  When I think about my four awesome bridesmaids, none of them are serious athletes, and Erin isn't either.  The most valuable relationships in my life are not from my most competitive years. So that got me thinking that maybe focusing so hard on results isn't so good for me.  I haven't quite figured out how to balance competitiveness with fun.

Anyway, life is pretty good right now, so I have no complaints. I'm happy that I'm taking a step back on my own terms.  Maybe I'll come back again next year and maybe I wont, but this time, it's MY choice, and that makes it a lot better.

A Race! I did a race!

Well it has been a long time, 2 years since my last bike race and over 4 since my last triathlon, but today I did a triathlon. And I didn't do too terribly! It wasn't a super competitive field, but I got 3rd overall female and 2nd in my age group.

The short race report is: Everything went pretty much as expected. I have no speed in my legs, so I didn't really feel that tired throughout or at the end, but I couldn't go any faster. I gave up a lot of time in transitions because I used my road cycling shoes, which I can't do flying mounts with. So that was kind of annoying, but I was trying to not take this too seriously and I didn't want to mess around with a different pair of shoes right before the race. I also took a risk by racing on my TT bike, which I hadn't ridden since May 2009 when I got injured. I raised the bars a bit, but it's still a super aggressive position, and I think it will take some work to get the position dialed before I can do any damage in a real TT. Oh, some fitness might help, too! I did have the 2nd fastest bike split, though... so not terrible. And my run wasn't so bad either: 24:01 for a 5K, which is respectable given that I didn't run at all for 3 years and only started up again a few months ago and only did 1 run over 25 minutes. So in general, I guess my fitness isn't that terrible.

You are probably thinking, "Wow, 2 years since your last race, and you are talking about performance? You should be happy to just race!" And yes, that is probably true, but there is an unfortunate side effect of racing at a high level in triathlon and in each of the individual sports for a long, long time. It is really, really hard to forget about the ingrained competitiveness. I used to be pretty competitive in triathlon, swimming and bike racing (I always sucked at running), so even after a 2 year racing hiatus, just finishing isn't really all that exciting for me any more. My goal in all my years of racing was to be as fast as possible, and I'm just naturally very competitive. It is hard to turn this off, which can be a problem. So it's especially weird to make my comeback at a race called "Finish Strong" because that phrase really doesn't embody my outlook towards sports at all... I guess I'm more of a go big or go home type of person.

Anyway, this certainly didn't give me the itch to return to triathlon racing more seriously. But I am excited about bike racing, which looms in my near future with cyclocross!

This isn't to say that I'm not super excited to be able to do a race. A year ago, I didn't think I'd ever be able to do a triathlon again, and my hip has made great progress in recent months. I did make sure to think about how much of an accomplishment this was throughout the race and in the days leading up to it. I'm very satisfied with how it went and excited to be out there, but I'm okay with putting triathlon back on the shelf for a little while.

Oh my, quite the update!

It's been awhile! But I'm still here! Lots going on these days.

I graduated in June, and now I'm back to full time working. I like working full time and cracking skulls to get things done, but the demands of a UX job (constantly juggling design, dev, and business needs) make me sassy. So far, I think people are ok with that.

I'm just kidding. I don't really crack skulls. But I do get to dream about being like Ari Gold from Entourage. Someday, I will be a UX Shark (like a crit shark for the bike racers out there, except at work).

Also, I'm engaged! I never thought about how after you get engaged, you then have to plan a wedding. A little overwhelming. Especially because Erin doesn't like any of my wedding ideas. Who wouldn't want bouquet pudding wrestling?

And my hip is finally doing better. I've been going to a chiropractor 2x per week for the last 8 weeks, and it seems to really be helping. I have been rowing and riding and running and I'm even planning to do some (gasp) triathlons this summer! (with low expectations, of course, because when you don't train for 2 years, you get slow)

But no bike racing yet. I'm not totally fixed yet, so I don't want to crash and screw it all up.

Persist. It will pay off.

Well, it sure has been a long road of recovery from my hip injury, from first figuring out what was wrong and then eventually working to fix it, but after over two years, it appears that the injury clouds are parting, and I can finally ride my bike hard again.

In the last few months, it finally took a turn for the better. My hip still flares up occasionally if I over-do it, but it settles down faster, and I can do a lot more without any problems. Even squat jumps! The daunting task of regaining fitness still lies ahead, and that will be another long road, but there is hope, and with hope, I can continue to persist through it.

There were many times in the last few years when I thought my days of racing bikes were a thing of the past, but for some reason, I just kept on going, and right when I was thinking "F this bike racing crap," things got better. Go figure.

Now I have my eyes focused on the track for my return to racing, and when I was commuting home from work yesterday, I finally felt the racing fire. This is an important moment in recovery from an injury: when the perspective shifts from the reactive "I don't want to crash or go too hard" to the proactive "pounce on what's ahead and settle in on the pain." It's that moment in training when your eyes squint slightly, you start to bury yourself, and you can visualize breaking away on the bell lap.

It's also been a long process of moving past the sadness, anger, and resentment that I had towards my injury and all that surrounded it. I think this is a natural part of recovering from something for so long, but this has also gotten better, and now I want to race just for the sake of racing.

I don't really have any specific goals for this year. My plan is to do some track racing and some rowing and see what happens. My motivation is to race aggressively, move up to Friday nights, and make people in the beer garden smile. In collaboration with my team, I want to put on a good show. And just race.

The competitive spirit may go dormant, but it never dies.