A Thought

I thought for awhile that bike racing was a thing of the past, that it was time to move on from being an athlete.  But when I overhear people talking about threshold watts and specific races, it really tugs at my competitive ropes.  I'm just not sure that I can give it all up yet.  

I have been reading Born to Run, and this really struck me:  

"There are two goddesses in your heart.  The Goddess of Wisdom and the Goddess of Wealth.  Everyone thinks they need to get wealth first, and wisdom will come.  So they concern themselves with chasing money.  But they have it backwards.  You have to give your heart to the Goddess of Wisdom, give her all your love and attention, and the Goddess of Wealth will become jealous and follow you.  Ask nothing from your running, in other words, and you will get more than you ever imagined."  And then it proceeds to talk about how the secret to running success is love - running because you love it.  

First of all, this book is dangerous for me to read right now because it really makes me want to go running.  I miss running, but that is another story.  Last year I spent a lot of time worrying about watts and numbers and placings, and it's becoming clear to me that this mindset is all wrong.  Unfortunately, it is an easy trap to fall into when everyone around you is blabbing about numbers and training programs.  When I look back to 2008, I did really well on not much training at all, probably because I was just having fun with it and going wherever it took me.   I've made this mistake a number of times before - the more I focus on a sport, the worse I do, but it's always been tricky for me to balance these thoughts and motivations.

As the date of my hip surgery approaches (Dec 4th! Eek!), I'm contemplating more and more how I will get back on the bike and in what direction.  Maybe I don't have to think about it.  Maybe I should just ride because I like to, when I want to, and leave it at that.  Maybe it's time to turn off the powertap and just tune into how I feel.  I know I will be fast again (this is obviously a relative term), but does it really matter how high my threshold power is?  Does that really mean anything anyway?  

Some days are good, some days are bad

Today is good, but for some reason, I tend to only write on the bad days.

Today I am looking into creating an LLC because my little coaching business keeps growing. Sometimes I wonder why people ask me to coach them. I guess I am used to undermining my experience and talent, but if I were to guess, these are the reasons why they ask: I am nice, I listen, I am honest, and people get faster. I have a degree in the field, I worked in a biomechanics lab for 3 years, and I have several certifications here and there, but that doesn't automatically get you business.

I don't know everything, and I'm not the most experienced bike racer, nor do I claim to be, but I also don't think that athletes should get all their information from one person. It is important to create a team of support to gather knowledge and to grow in the sport. They really emphasize this at the Olympic Training Center. That is why you have teammates, physical therapists, sports psychologists, and all other sorts of informed people.

Surgery is scheduled for Dec 4th. I am ready to move forward and see how I can change my relationship with bike racing. I've had my time trying to be the best, and maybe that isn't meant to be, but I will still be involved with the sport in trying to help others. That is exciting.

On another note, please, please practice your balance exercises! It is scary what I see at the gym. In another post, I will add more specifics about what you can do. It is pretty cool to see how quickly people can improve their balance.

Big Step

Generally, when I am confronted about the things that I write in blogs, I retract my statements and apologize.  I am finally learning to stand up for myself and stand by what I think and feel.  I choose my words very carefully, but I have always had trouble with how I am perceived, and when called out on it, I tend to play the victim.  Not this time!  This is a huge step for me, and I feel so relieved.  

This is MY struggle, through MY hip surgery, and I am allowed to feel angry, sad, and scared.  I am allowed to replay the events of the past and come to terms with what has happened.   It is a process, and once it is complete, these feelings will be gone, but for now, it is real, and it is something I face every single day.   

I do not blame anyone for what has happened, but there are still thoughts and experiences that I have to work through to answer why this happened and how to prevent it from happening again.  

I am just a broken athlete trying to pick up the pieces.

A Diagnosis

Well, I finally got a diagnosis for my hip.  It is indeed a labral tear.  Because the conservative treatment (physical therapy, loads of ibuprofen, rest) did not help, surgery appears to be the only way to fix it.

I haven't completely made a decision on this yet.  The surgery is risky because sometimes it doesn't work and sometimes people are worse after.  The doctor said there is an 85% success rate.  I'd like to hope that youth is on my side, and I can't find anything negative about this particular doctor, but I am scared.  At this point, it seems like my options are to either quit being an active person indefinitely or get surgery.  I guess I can't really get too much worse; now I have trouble with basic things like walking and sitting at work, and activities like swimming and cycling seem like a dream.  If it isn't successful, it's unlikely that I'll be worse off. 

I have the feeling that whether or not it is successful, my days as a highly competitive athlete are numbered, if not up.  I base this thought mostly off of the number of injuries I've had in the past, but this one really trumps them all, and this time it really feels like my time is up.  I really screwed up this time by following bad advice and training too much despite knowing better.  I'm trying not to blame myself or others for this, but it is a slow process.  I still may be able to race occasionally, but not like before and probably not at a super high level, mostly because I don't want to do this to myself again.  I don't want a walker when I'm 60.   I just want to be able to go on a hike or maybe go for a swim.  Maybe it will be good for me to focus on something other than winning and performance, such as helping others win.  

The other option is to pull the plug on being an athlete now and see how my hip responds.  But I did pull the plug on competition in May, and it has since gotten worse during my attempt to just be a normal, active person.  I feel like I am up a proverbial creek.  

Reflections on the last 1.5 years

Now that I have some semblance of a future, I am starting to reflect on the recent past.  I couldn't have imagined all the things that happened to me since graduating from Michigan, and it has been an enlightening experience.  I've learned to make smart decisions about my future.  I've learned that I never want to apply for a job through craigslist again.  I am so glad that I did not go straight to graduate school because these experiences provided me with a truly unique perspective that I would not have otherwise:

-The Startup.  It took awhile for the bitterness to wear off, but finally, about 3 months after the layoff, I began looking back at this experience fondly.  I know I will be back at a startup someday, as I really miss working at a place that came home with me every night.  I miss the gritty, risky, get-your-hands-dirty nature.  I miss being a part of something and feeling truly committed to what I am doing.

-The Layoff.  I always thought I would be exempt from these things.  I am smart, well-educated, had outstanding grades, and I work really hard.  But so do a lot of people.  And in many cases, that doesn't matter.  A lot of getting laid off is pure bad luck, and this taught me to make smarter decisions about my career path and to be understanding of other people's situations.  Learn a skill.   Shed a tear for the state of Michigan.

-The Pro Bike Racer Thing.  I chuckled re-reading my personal statement: "After my layoff, I spent the rest of the year attempting to become a professional bicycle racer."  In this chapter, I justified mopping floors and being broke in the name of bike racing.  What I didn't realize at the beginning, though, was that I would really miss being challenged.   I also learned some really sad things about human character.  It was shocking to see how quickly people gave up on me after my injury.  That is ok, though, because it forced me to not give up on myself.  

-The Work 4 Jobs and Go It Alone Thing.  This last chunk has also been interesting.   I'm learning that I am talented, that I can be a good coach, and that I am qualified to do marketing and personal training.  I can build a small coaching business on my own, and I can do better than I did at an established company.  I can't let other people shatter my confidence and hold me back from reaching my potential.  I can be many things and still be good at them.   I became a coach because it is something that I love to do, and it doesn't have to be more than that.  I am a better coach/personal trainer if it is a hobby, not a full-time profession, because I am not limited by finances.  I can lower rates, access more clients, and truly help people, which is why I do it. 

This has all been a lesson in accepting things that I cannot control.  I am trying to accept these experiences for what they were without dwelling on the negative aspects of them.  Now that I have defined things to look forward to, this is much easier.

Back to School!

I received an acceptance letter today for U of Washington's program in Human Centered Design and Engineering. I am starting in January, and I am excited.

Although there is great potential for this to change, the plan is to incorporate the HCDE concepts (usability, interface design, human factors, etc) with my background in movement science to improve interfaces in healthcare and healthy living. This, in my opinion, is a very exciting application of the field for a few reasons:

1. Persuasive Technologies. If websites, mobile devices and interfaces are going to motivate people to be healthy, they have to be really persuasive. So far, I haven't really found a single interface relating to coaching that is persuasive and enjoyable to interact with. I've tried Training Peaks, Workout Log, and everything in between, but all of them are missing that persuasive factor, or the ability to engage users. Thus, I have to bug people constantly to update training peaks.

2. Culturally Sensitive Care. This applies mostly to healthcare. Definitions of sickness and health are very different across cultures (Read The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down). Misunderstanding these differences can be very destructive to a patient's care, which is why it's important that any healthcare interface that the patient may see is sensitive to these factors. This applies to design of the office, how sensitive materials are presented, and explanations of disease (you know, those handouts they give you on what your injury or sickness is). The HCDE program is really focused on the user, and this is especially important here.

Don't even get me started on the terrible interfaces I deal with on a daily basis, such as everything made by Powertap.

I need to do more thinking to figure out exactly what direction I want to go with this. The program is broad, so I have to narrow my focus on something. Usability, instructional design, interface design, and human factors are the most interesting to me.

Erin is on a military boat with my dad until tomorrow night with no way to contact him. It is weird finding out this news when I can't tell him or celebrate with him.

In other news, my hip still hurts and I am still waiting to see the doctor.

To be a fish at the zoo

This must be what it is like to be a fish in a tank at the zoo. All those signs that say "do not tap the glass!" but the little kids just keep tapping away with their snotty fingers. Tap tap tap.

I am home sick with the flu, but due to an unfortunate scheduling conflict, I got sick the same day that the painters are scraping away at the windows. They are preparing to paint them. Our side of the duplex is small, and you can't really get away from the windows. There are 3 people scraping on the windows, on different sides of the building. Tap tap scrape scrape I feel surounded.

Poor fishy. Never tap on that glass.